Whatever Happened to Humility Perkins?

I came to understand colonialism way back in the late 60s, early 70s, from Flip Wilson doing Christopher Columbus trying to discover America. Flip Wilson was a big comedy star at the time. He was a black man who could play a sexy black woman (Geraldine, his best-known character) and could also play a white historical figure — like Columbus, setting out to discover. “Gonna find America,” he tells Queen Isabella of Spain. "Gonna find Ray Charles!"     

            So his ship comes upon some unknown body of land, and he can see people down on the shore, and he shouts, "Y'all! Y'all! Where is here?"

            And they shout back something like "What's it to you?"

            And Chris says, "I'm tryna discover y'all."

            And they say, "What the hell you want, coming round here with these ships? You can't discover anybody that ain't about being discovered! You better discover yo' ass on away from here!"

            Chris can take a hint. Chris sails away, muttering, "Leave it to the Pilgrims. Pilgrims'll fix they ass!"

            Lot of water under the bridge since then, but the Pilgrims -- Republicans, now --are still trying to fix the ass of anybody who came here either before or after they did. But they can't do it. They can rant and rave and elect crazier and crazier representatives, but they don't have the knack of keeping up with America. Not that I do, either — but I'll tell you a field in which the Pilgrims will never catch up: Hyphenated names. These are the names that jump out at us from the media every day. Maybe some of them are Pilgrims, but I doubt it:

            Yahyah Abdul-Mateen II.

            Wendi McLendon-Covey.

            Jaune Quick-to-See Smith.

            Duncan Crabtree-Ireland.

            Brianna Avenia-Topper.

            Liza Colon-Zayas.

            Tafeni English-Reif.

            Jikenji Lopez-Alt.

            Mette-Marie Kongsved.

            June Bacon-Bercey.

            Jazzmen Lee-Johnson (one person, female).

            Aminta Kilawan-Narine.

            Shola Mos-Shogbamimu.

            Melanie Salata-Fitch.

            Dyane Harvey-Salaam.

            Michael Lev-Ram.

            Jacquilyn Gwinn-Villaroel

            N'Dea Yancey-Bragg

            Silvia Foster-Frau

            Aminta Kilawan-Narine

            Jonathan Siri-Mohs.

            Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly.

            Sangeeta Xingh-Kurtz.

            Lowanda Sample-Rusk.

            Constantine Samuel Rafinesque-Schwartz.

            Nicholas Bogel-Burrows.

            Tea Hacic-Vlahovic

            Mateo Zoryon Francis-Deford.

            Jaxon Smith-Njigba.

            Gugu Mbatha-Raw.

            Donovan Peoples-Jones.

            Maya Abu al-Haayyat.

            Juan Ignacio Sanguinetti-Schack

            Lellin Lopoez-Toledo.

            Froswa' Booker-Drew

            Sikka Rittson-Thomas.

            Cherie Karson-Ping

            Kennisandra Arcinietgas-Jeffries

            Yannick Nezet-Seguin

            Sohia El-Waylly

            Antonio Gandy-Golden

            Corinna zu Sayn-Wittgenstein-Sayn,

            Taffy Bodesser-Ackner

            Brother Victor-Antoine d'Avila-Latourette

            Odile Dicks-Mireaux             

            Zolan Kanno-Youngs 

            Cika Okeke-Agulu

            Natalie Scenters-Zapico

            Maximo Bragado-Darman.

           Where did these people come from? Don’t ask me. But here they are. It's a whole new world.

And here is yet another in our intermittent series of limericks about sorry-ass males.

           Except for blood kin, to Warren

          Everyone is foreign,

                    Including his wife:

                   “I’m bound for life

         To an alien being, named ‘Lauren.’”