Word-Tasting, Etcetera

Notes of one thing and several others as well

   In various towns whose airwaves I have passed through lately, National Public Radio fundraisers have been in progress. Must be the season. Here is a testimonial I recorded for public radio once, which I don't believe was used:

If I had to choose betweeen life without public radio and public radio without a life, I (like many people) would choose the latter. I would listen to public radio, and from time to time I would appear on public radio -- as you hear me doing now -- and I would renounce all other earthly concerns. If anyone not on public radio attempted to get my attention -- be they friends, loved ones, or fabulous Hollywood stars urging me to attend get-togethers of just them and me on their unbelievable yachts -- I would say to them, "Bug off, you are a distraction." I would be a monk for public radio, if that's what it took, to keep public radio alive.

And here are three fake news stories (oh, wait, one of them is real, though embellished with sparkling wordplay generated by my personal sparkler) that I wrote, way back years ago, for the "Bluff the Listener" segment of the NPR news-quiz show "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" (which I am slated to appear on again in a couple of weeks, stay tuned):

Regular customers of the Memphis-based Home Folks chain of cafeterias noted with some bemusement this week that one of the most popular items on the menu, the Redneck Blue Plate Special (a different entree every day with choice of sides), is now known as the Meat du Jour and Three.  Explained Home Folks International CEO Jackson Wheat, “My daughter Shana came back from college and Europe, and wanted me to know that ‘redneck’ was an ethnic slur, which I should not perpetuate. And I wouldn’t hear anything about it, and she said, ‘See?  People would say you’re being typical, when all you’re being is hardheaded like you always are.’ Or something. And her mother agreed with her, so I gave up.”

The violinists of Bonn, Germany’s, symphony orchestra are demanding extra pay. Why? Because violinists have to play more notes than their fellow musicians. "Fiddlesticks!" says orchestra director Laurentius Bonitz, in effect: “play me hearts and flowers." If anyone in the orchestra deserves a raise, says Bonitz, it's the soloists, and, OK, the oboists. Why the oboists, I don’t know, maybe because they use more body parts per note. The violinists, at any rate, are tired of bow-ing and scraping and being undervalued. They’re taking their case to court, without apology. "We could have calculated the surcharge per semi-quaver,” says one.   

You remember attorney William Ginsberg, the old Lewinsky family friend who vowed to protect Monica’s interests but wound up going down in history for, a., popping up on all three major network morning talk shows – “a full Ginsberg,” it was called – in one day, b., reminiscing about smooching Monica’s plump thighs when she was a baby, and c., assuring the world that he and Barbara Walters could become good friends if only he had the time. Well, now he has produced a memoir, entitled That Sixteenth Minute Is a Bitch: Getting Over Being ‘Over.’ So will he be doing media appearances to promote the book? “I could care less,” says Ginsberg.

THE LINGO CORNER

DEFINITION DEPT.:

            Hedgehog: a porker who won't commit.

            Edgehog: a swine who's pushing it.

WORDTASTING DEPT.:

There is something suitably --  maybe even more than sufficiently -- annoying about the word annoying. The nose and mouthfeel of it, yawyyawy with narrowly registering consonantal notes of n and ng. No snap, crackle or pop. The vocal apparatus is left to feel unfulfilled. Appropriately. But still. The word compounds the annoyance. Give me a second to cool off.

okay

SEXIST LINES DEPT.:

From Turner Classic Movies:

            In "Sing and Like it," hood to moll, who is complaining:  "Look at you, crawling with jewels and not a bruise on you."

            In "Fifth Avenue Girl," to someone wearing a voluminous outfit: "Rummage around in them things and see if you can find yourself."

And one from Donald Trump:

            "I respect women incredibly."

OLD-TECH THOUGHT FOR TODAY

In our rush to condemn smoking, we have overlooked one consideration: smoking's importance in the fight against crime. Think about it.  No smoking,  no need for matchbook covers, which so often have provided movie detectives with vital clues.