Golden Oldies!

Get Em Right Here!

Just in time for Throwback Thursday, I have found a trove. It dates way back -- to a time when I was double-spacing after every sentence. It’s a jumble of fake news stories and off-the-wall predictions dashed off for NPR's "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me." These selections must have been rejected or thought better of, or the topic was changed, or something, because I don't remember actually reading any of them out loud on the air. But some are surprisingly relevant to issues of today, sort of:

            The resident of Alameda County, California, who petitioned that county's Supreme Court to be legally recognized as a transgender male, with a new name, found a sympathetic judicial ear this week. "Your childhood and puberty must have been hell," said Judge Annalisa Green, whose own birth name was Bruno. Change of petitioner's name and gender went through routinely, but the judge had to reject petitioner's additional request, that in recompense for the pain and suffering imposed by his birth name -- Missy Peacock -- he not only become legally known as Freeman Parker, but he also be allowed to park for free anywhere in Alameda County. "That is a right, Mr. Parker, that this court is not empowered to grant. But if by chance you should get a ticket -- come see Judge Annalisa."

            Remember a couple of years ago when we had Bono as the Not My Job guest, and he happened to mention that his mother could beat him in arm-wrestling until he was seventeen? Well, Sheryl Wax, a TV producer in L.A., was so stirred by that reminiscence that she developed a reality show: celebrities and their moms competing in tests of strength and agility. Not celebrity-v-mom, but celebrity-on-celebrity, mom-on-mom, and celebrity/mom tandems facing off. (Remember tag teams in wrestling?) It's called "My Mom 'n' Me," and it's set to debut on the Lifetime network this fall. No word on who the first contestants are, but Bono and mom have reportedly passed.

            We now know that in June, l994, U.S. military scientists sought to develop a weapon that would cause enemy troops to make love, not war. Or, rather, to make war in that bewitched, bothered and bewildered way of troops who can't keep their hands off one another. It's part of a proposal by U.S. Air Force scientists entitled Harrassing, Annoying, and 'Bad Guy'-Identifying Chemicals." The scientists suggested that, quote, "One disturbing but completely non-lethal example" of such chemicals "would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the drug caused homosexual behavior." Not that that would make the enemy wrong.

            What's the true story of the breakup of Bad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston:

            Same thing that's happened in so many of my relationships: Angelina Jolie.

           Or, no, wait . . . In the night, Brad called her “Jennifer," and she could just tell he was thinking of one of those other Jennifers.

            Or, no, wait . . .  She heard that Ben Affleck was in the market for another Jennifer, and, well, "Bennifer" is such a cute couple name. It sure beats "the Pitts."

            Or, no, wait ...   He wanted children, and she doesn't have a vagina.

            Or, no, wait . . . She has always dreamed of having a daughter named Amaryllis, and "Amaryllis Pitt" sounds awful.

            Or, no, wait . . . She made the mistake of telling him there was not enough real feeling in "Ocean's Twelve."

            What will happen in the upcoming debate between John Kerry and George W. Bush?

            Kerry accuses Bush of being in denial. Bush's only response is, "Am not! Am not!" Kerry says, "You see? That is exactly what I have endeavored to show here in this proceeding, which -- " and Bush says, "I'm rubber and you're glue, what I say is sticky and bounces."

            Hot ice? Sounds unlikely -- and we're not talking heisted diamonds here, we're talking stolen frozen water. In sub-equatorial, strife-torn Somalia, ice is a scarce as precious stones, and as sought after by the warlords who are the most powerful figures in that divided nation. "As if there weren't enough chaos in Somalia," says Arlen Karpish of the University of Rochester, author of a new book on east African politics, "we now have people being held up for their Scotch coolers, and pitched battles being fought over ice machines stolen from Western-chain hotels. It's a status thing. Ice is the bling of the desert."