For Dennis

Who loved to be in the woods with a dog

I don’t want to write about chaos — the House of Misrepresentatives, the lure of imaginary money, the lip-smacking gunning-down of shoplifters, the flirting with swastikas.

A good man I know, who read this column, has died, and I want to write something he would like.

I want to expand upon the prediction I made on NPR’s “Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me” this weekend. The topic was, “Now that the Bidens’ dog Commander has been banned from the White House for biting people, what will their next pet be?”

Sarcasms spring to mind. But this was my earnest recommendation:

The Bidens — the nation — should get a pair of mini-donkeys.

These are among the cutest, most loving and frolicsome of animals. Not a prettified specialty like a toy poodle, they are a legitimate, unfussy breed, first brought to this country in l929. Around thirty-four inches high at the withers, so you don’t have to stoop to pet them, and they are good with that. They get along with — no, don’t just get along with, they actively enjoy the company of — other animals, like dogs and human kids. When alarmed or confused, they don’t bite, they stand stock-still, which is why donkeys have a reputation for being stubborn. But once they trust you, they will nose-rub with your cat, pull a cart with your baby in it, whatever.

You have to have more than one or they get lonesome. Two are enough.

You need space — half an acre per donkey. The White House lawn is l8 acres.

The party iconography is obvious.

Mediagenic? Lord have mercy.

Ass jokes? Who, red or blue, finds ass jokes invidious nowadays? A lady you will meet when you search the Internet for mini-donkeys says, “I have to go home and scratch my ass.” If Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to go to “bad-ass” or “kick-ass,” well, I think we can count on this nation to prefer frisky, non-denigrative donkey humor.

And how are we going to vote the Bidens out, when we learn that little Jack and Jenny are expecting?